Ok. New Year’s resolution. I need to write this blog more. Given that I’ve had it for 6 months and only written one entry.

I know that I wanted to write this to try and break some barriers and maybe help some people. But I think I also have to accept that this blog is also for me. It’s a cathartic way of pouring my thoughts and feelings out somewhere. To take them out of my head and share them with someone, even If it’s just the internet and no one reading this.

I feel like I lead an exceptionally lonely existence. Some of that may be due to the fact that I find it difficult to connect with people, and I generally expect them not to understand me, and to judge me. I guess that the scars on my arms from several years of serious self harming means that people think they have the right to judge, not too many people take the time to stop and realise that they are old (over 7 years since I last hurt myself!), or to maybe take into account the fact that maybe getting through something like that is actually something that I’m very proud of.

But genuinely, I do feel this extreme sense of loneliness nearly all of the time. A lot of the time it’s enough to mean that at any time I could begin crying with no real trigger. Living with bipolar is an awfully solitary existence. I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I think a lot of the time it’s because I feel completely disjointed from ‘normal’ life. And I feel unable to connect with people honestly on even the most basic level.

I also find it difficult to find a boyfriend. I have really only had one serious relationship in my life. And that broke down because of my illness. Probably my fault, I got drunk, and had the closest thing to a psychotic break in a long time. It also didn’t help that that he never really understood my illness, and spent most of our relationship just waiting for me to get better. It never occurred to him that I might never get better.

And now when I meet guys, I still find it difficult to get to a place where I can connect with someone. I’m completely honest about being bipolar, sometimes even brutally so. But I guess I’ll never be able to open myself up completely, and I’ll always feel that I’m not fully compatible with someone because they’ll never understand being bipolar. At the same time that leaves me with the opportunity to date people who do understand, which would be others that are bipolar, but that to me just doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be a healthy, happy relationship.

I’m also very independent, and I need my time alone to gather my thoughts, and process my feelings. That seems like just another hurdle as most guys I’ve met can’t seem to understand that need to just be alone for a while.

Well I guess this will do for now. I don’t want to ramble on. As much as I feel like not many people are going to read this, I don’t want those that do stumble across it and see it to look at my essays and feel them too taxing to read.

And so until next time readers, just take care of yourselves. And never be ashamed to ask for help or to admit that you too, feel lonely.

S