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Yet another (early) New Years resolution… 

So it’s been 3 years since I last declared that this blog would be my New Years resolution, and I have written no posts. And 4 years since I started this blog, and what I have mostly done it pay the annual subscription to keep the domain name. 

 
But, my life ultimately is different. I am on a great medication (I should say at this point that everyone is different, and medication works differently for everyone, and that there is no universal cure for bipolar). I see a psychiatrist regularly that I am happy with. But more importantly than that, I am married, and happily so, to a man that is ultimately so accepting and understanding of my condition. I have a home, pets, a job I am so passionate about, a group of friends and colleague that I love and care so much about, and most importantly, I have found a way to give back, by working as an ambassador and guest speak for a renowned charity that works closely with mental health and wellbeing. 

 
So why start up the blog again if my life is apparently so perfect I hear you ask?
Well it’s not. While my life is good, it’s far from perfect. I recently heard someone describe having a mental health condition, as always pulling a bus. It’s just hard work. That’s is one of the most apt descriptions I’ve ever heard. It’s right. My life isn’t easy, so the reason I want to start this blog back up again, is because I want people to know that as hard as life can be, there is hope. There is resolution. There is happiness. There may not be a cure for bipolar, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the end. 

 
I want to use this blog to share my struggles, raise awareness of how difficult living with bipolar can be, regardless of how good your treatment plan is. I want more people to have just the smallest insight into what this world can be like. I would never ask anyone to understand, because from my point of view, the only way to understand is to experience this, and I would never wish that on anyone. 
So, in summary. This is a blog of hope, resilience and awareness. I can’t wait to share my story with everyone as it’s bits and pieces become relevant to my day to day story (because trust me, there is so much behind me that is so pertinent, and so crazy). 

 
I will see you all soon, with another delve into my mind and life.

 
Take care of each other.

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Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fear

 

 

For some reason today I feel like writing about fear. I know that fear is a huge motivator or de-motivator for so many people, sufferers of depression or not. There are so many pressures in day to day life, and so many decisions are based on fear.

For me, fear drives so many aspects of my personal life.

Firstly, there’s the fear that I have that my depression leads people to judge and misunderstand me. This is probably the one that affects me most every day. There are people out there that believe the depression is a choice. These are the worst kind of people to me, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to have to live through my depression to understand it, but don’t make a snap decision about how my brain works and that I choose to live like this. You are small-minded people. My old housemate believed that depression was a choice, and that if I just lead a healthier lifestyle ( I should mention at this point that although I am a smoker, I eat healthily and exercise regularly) then I wouldn’t have depression and that instead, I choose to have it and that I use it as an excuse.

While that is an extreme point of view, there are still so many stigmatisms attached to being a sufferer of depression. The belief that you’re just miserable, that you’re crazy, that you’re too fragile, that you can’t function as a normal member of society. All these I believe are myths, and although my depression has affected me terribly in my past, it doesn’t make any of these statements true, in fact, these statements can be applied to others as well, and you don’t have to have depression to feel sad or fragile.

This probably leads me to hide my depression more that I would like. Sometimes I find myself being brutally honest about it, but that’s probably only around people who’s opinion I couldn’t care less about. The people in my life that I do care about, I am much more guarded about my depression with. I don’t want to be judged on it. I want to be judged on who I am. And I am afraid so often that by being honest about my depression that people will be far too quick to attach a label to me, than to take the time to really understand me.

This leads me to my second fear, and this is closely attached to the above. I am afraid of being alone. As I grow older, I find it harder and harder to believe that I will find someone to share my life with (and for those of you wondering, I’m about to hit 30). My relationship history is fairly brief; I’ve spent most of my life single. My one major relationship broke down because of my depression, there was a complete lack of understanding in that relationship. He wasn’t ever really keen to understand what it really meant to be bipolar, but he was always quick to judge. If he ever did anything to wrong me, and cause me to be upset, he would immediately conclude that any anger or distress was a result of my depression, and never his actions.

I will admit that I don’t think that I will ever meet anyone, and I’ll never be afforded the opportunity to get married and have children. To the point where I heard my mother tell my grandmother on the phone that I didn’t WANT to get married or have kids. Not true, I just can’t see it ever happening for me now. But don’t be dissuaded readers, this is more the result of walls that I have put up of my own, and a belief based on past results, that actually opportunities. It’s not my depression stopping me from finding someone, it’s me and the fears that I have of never being understood.

The last fear, and possibly the most overwhelming, is that I will always be this way. As I write this, there is no cure for bipolar disorder. The simple fact is, my brain is wired differently. There’s may not be a solution for this, but there are ways of controlling it. At the moment, I feel that I have my depression in hand, I don’t feel that my moods are out of control, or that they are not the result of external stimuli. Sometimes I still get an overwhelming sense of sadness, and I’m still fairly antisocial. I’m also extremely cynical, but that’s just me. As well as this all is, it doesn’t mean that I will stay this way. It’s true that the older I get, the better I know myself, and the better I am at controlling my depression and asking for help when I need it, but I still often feel like a ticking time bomb, with my bipolar just waiting to explode.

Right now, this is how my life will always be. I’ve never been delusional enough to believe that my brain will just magically repair itself, that simply isn’t going to happen. There is no remedy for being bipolar, there are simply treatments. Recently I learnt that a study was done on people who suffer from a mental illness and they discovered that they have a life expectancy 17 years less than the average Australian. That stat is pretty scary to me. I know that doesn’t mean I’ll be affected, but it doesn’t help with the overwhelming feeling of doom that I have. To me, being bipolar is terminal. I may have completely misconstrued that word, maybe being bipolar will kill me, maybe it won’t, but there’s one thing for sure, when I do shuffle off this mortal coil, the likelihood is that I will still be a bipolar sufferer, and have always been that way.

Until next time readers…

 

S

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My New Year’s Resolution…

Ok. New Year’s resolution. I need to write this blog more. Given that I’ve had it for 6 months and only written one entry.

I know that I wanted to write this to try and break some barriers and maybe help some people. But I think I also have to accept that this blog is also for me. It’s a cathartic way of pouring my thoughts and feelings out somewhere. To take them out of my head and share them with someone, even If it’s just the internet and no one reading this.

I feel like I lead an exceptionally lonely existence. Some of that may be due to the fact that I find it difficult to connect with people, and I generally expect them not to understand me, and to judge me. I guess that the scars on my arms from several years of serious self harming means that people think they have the right to judge, not too many people take the time to stop and realise that they are old (over 7 years since I last hurt myself!), or to maybe take into account the fact that maybe getting through something like that is actually something that I’m very proud of.

But genuinely, I do feel this extreme sense of loneliness nearly all of the time. A lot of the time it’s enough to mean that at any time I could begin crying with no real trigger. Living with bipolar is an awfully solitary existence. I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I think a lot of the time it’s because I feel completely disjointed from ‘normal’ life. And I feel unable to connect with people honestly on even the most basic level.

I also find it difficult to find a boyfriend. I have really only had one serious relationship in my life. And that broke down because of my illness. Probably my fault, I got drunk, and had the closest thing to a psychotic break in a long time. It also didn’t help that that he never really understood my illness, and spent most of our relationship just waiting for me to get better. It never occurred to him that I might never get better.

And now when I meet guys, I still find it difficult to get to a place where I can connect with someone. I’m completely honest about being bipolar, sometimes even brutally so. But I guess I’ll never be able to open myself up completely, and I’ll always feel that I’m not fully compatible with someone because they’ll never understand being bipolar. At the same time that leaves me with the opportunity to date people who do understand, which would be others that are bipolar, but that to me just doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to be a healthy, happy relationship.

I’m also very independent, and I need my time alone to gather my thoughts, and process my feelings. That seems like just another hurdle as most guys I’ve met can’t seem to understand that need to just be alone for a while.

Well I guess this will do for now. I don’t want to ramble on. As much as I feel like not many people are going to read this, I don’t want those that do stumble across it and see it to look at my essays and feel them too taxing to read.

And so until next time readers, just take care of yourselves. And never be ashamed to ask for help or to admit that you too, feel lonely.

S

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Welcome to my blog… a little about me.

Hi there and thanks for dropping by!

 

I was inspired to start this blog when a friend of mine came to me as she had been diagnosed with bipolar disease and she was really concerned with some of the social stigmas that are attached to mental illness & what people would think of her as a sufferer.

 

I was diagnosed with being bipolar when I was about 20. My parents broke up when I was 18 and I was old enough to shoulder a lot of responsibility. The best way that I can describe what happened is that the shouldering of that weight was just too much to bear and eventually my psyche broke.

 

Maybe I already had a prior disposition to mental illness, maybe there were already cracks before that were there before the issues with my family. It’s quite likely; I’ve seen signs of mental illness in other members of my family.

 

I will go into more details over time about the break up with between my parents and the ensuing drama but this entry into my blog is intended to describe my intent and what I’d like to achieve by writing this.

 

I want to try and break down some of the boundaries surrounding mental illness. I know that sounds like an immensely lofty goal for one unknown blogger, but as far as I’m concerned, if I can touch one person’s life with this blog, or change one person’s opinion about mental illness, then I’ll consider all the effort and $20 that it cost me to buy this domain name all worthwhile.

 

I think most people have someone in their lives that has some kind of mental illness, from the very mild to the completely debilitating forms. But not many people understand it. Although I’ve always maintained that I don’t want people to understand, for as far as I’m concerned the only people that do understand are those that have been through something similar, and I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone. What I am asking for is understanding.

 

I just hope to bring a little more insight into most people’s lives about what it’s like to be bipolar, and how those of us cope with it on a daily basis.

 

On and readers… I’m much funnier than this normally, and I promise that all future posts will reflect this sense of humour and wit!

 

S xx